So JD and I are sitting downstairs watching Thomas the Train. Cameron's upstairs watching playhouse disney. I should probably make him come down here with us, but he's been in an ill mood since last night. Just whiny and all around irritable. So, I'm giving him wake up time. I don't think he's getting sick, but you never know with three year olds..
I think I finally got out of my funky mood from yesterday. I did enough crying for a month, I believe. Tracy says I always look at the glass half empty. Maybe I do. I do appreciate what we have, but I just feel like I'm not good enough. Not good enough as a wife and a mom. I feel like I never can catch up on the housework and there's always a mountain of laundry!! That overwhelming feeling catches up to me sometimes and paralyzes me. Yesterday and the day before were those kinds of days. I think I'm going to be okay today, though. I go in to work at 5 and work til close, so maybe all will be good today. Maybe.
Tracy works today. He'll be working Saturdays for a while. We went out to eat last night at a local mexican restaurant. And he brought up going to TN to visit on Sunday. If I don't have to work. They are really bad about getting the schedule out at work on time, so I never know until Saturday what my schedule is for the next week. I want to go to TN, but I don't want to just see Tracy's kids. I want to see Courtney. And, we'd only be taking Tracy's car so there wouldn't be room for her.. And it would be two hours out of our way. Plus, her dad isn't keen on the idea of me seeing her on Sundays. The whole church thing. It wouldn't bother me so much if I knew she wasn't going to that church. The church full of the hypocrites and stuck up people. And the pastor that misuses his "clout". I just hope my brilliant daughter doesn't get stunted by their narrow mindedness.
So, I'm a little upset about the TN thing. Tracy has said to me before that it isn't his responsibility to make sure I get to see Courtney. I understand that to an extent.. But I have maybe two dollars in my bank account until Friday. What bills I pay plus groceries and neccessities, take all of my money. There's no way I can fund a trip to TN to see her. So, of course, I depend on him. He should know how much this means to me. But yet, it seems that he's only concerned with seeing his two kids. He'll be all sympathetic sounding when I tell him how I wish I could go see her, but he's not going to do anything about it. It's just one of those situations where I'm just screwed. I could save change and all that, but honestly, things get really tight sometimes and I'll have to cash in my change at the coinstar and buy food or put gas in the van. So that fund goes down the drain. I am whining. I know this. But it's like my therapy.
There's a Christmas parade in town this morning and I think I'm going to get the boys ready and go check it out. They deserve to get to do that. I'm content to sit here at home and be lazy til time to go to work, but that's not good for them. And they matter more to me than I do :)
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
Background
So this is my first post. I'm 27 years old and I have 3 kids. My oldest is Courtney. She just turned 8. She lives with her dad. There's a long story to follow about that. My second child is JD. Short for James Dylan. He is 6. And my youngest, Cameron, is 3. He is most definitely the baby. I love all of my kids. They are all wonderful in their own ways.
Six years ago, I was in a relationship with my daughter's father. I met him when I was 17 and a senior in high school. Things weren't great, but I cared about him. I wouldn't say I was deeply in love, but I did care. We had a lot of problems. Between me being me and his family being who they were, we just clashed. I grew unhappy and instead of doing the smart thing and separating amicably, I stayed. When you stay in an unhappy relationship and you can't communicate with the other person in that relationship, it leads to disaster. I ended up meeting someone at work. He wasn't incredibly good looking or smart or... well, the kind of person I should have had anything to do with at all. He just said all the things I needed to hear. He made me feel like I mattered. Of course, it was all lies, but at the time, it worked.
My daughter's father found out I was pregnant and immediately wanted to marry me. I was confused and had no idea what to do, so I went along with it.
As soon as the baby was born, I think we all knew my husband wasn't his father. We were all just so in shock. Of course I knew about the possibility, but I had shoved it into the back of my mind so far, it honestly surprised me that my son looked nothing like my husband. I started to rationalize why he didn't look like him. I blamed my father's coloring, ancestry, anything that would remotely make sense. A friend of my mother's brought it up and I couldn't figure out why everyone was being so mean! So, yeah, denial was pretty bad there. After 7 months, the charade was over. The shock had worn off my husband and his family and I was an awful person. Automatically. Of course. I had lied for so long. I had lied to everyone including myself. When he told me he had the paternity test done and he wasn't my son's father, it was a harsh return to reality. I had been pretending for so long, that it was devastating to see the truth. I couldn't see how bad I had hurt everyone else because I was hurt too. I didn't want to see how bad everyone else was hurt. I was thinking about me. And my daughter. Her father told me he was filing for full custody. And I would have to settle for seeing her when it was convenient for him. I was 21 almost 22 at the time. I didn't know what to do! I had no job because we agreed that it wasn't worth paying my whole check to childcare. No car. It had been hit by some idiot that ran a stop sign and our insurance had expired the day before. The idiot that hit me (of course) didn't have insurance either. And worst of all, the only place I had to go was my mom's. I love my mother. But she's got her own issues. And a drunk for a husband. I had everything against me. I felt so helpless.
I couldn't figure out why he was taking my daughter from me. I had tried my best to be a good mother. Of course I wasn't perfect, but I did my best. I can now see why, though. If I had deluded myself to believe that my biracial son was my whiter than white husband's child, I couldn't have raised both children with no issues. Of course, today, he might say something different about it all, but we don't discuss any of this. He and I never could communicate and that still hasn't changed. It's unresolved. The last time we talked, all I could get out of him was that she's all he has.. So, after him keeping her from me for numerous stupid reasons time and time again, and me getting my heart broken from not being allowed to be a mother to my daughter, I kind of started to accept not being allowed into her life. There was no solid visitation set in our divorce.. pretty much that he dictates when I can see her. I had no luck finding a lawyer and I was making 6 dollars an hour when we went to court so supporting myself and my 10 month old son, I had no money for a lawyer anyway. And my family isn't the kind to help out. So, on it went. I tracked down my son's biological father. I was hoping he would be there for my son and maybe help out some financially. I got an apartment and let him move in with the agreement that I would help him get a job and he would help me out. That didn't last but maybe a month. He apparently isn't the daddy type. He wasn't good with our son, yelled at him for everything, and in that month, he gave me 10 dollars for diapers. I worked 6 pm to 6 am and when I got off work one morning, I came home to sleep. I woke up at noon to my son crying, walking around the house. And we were alone. My son's father had left. Without a note, left most of his clothes. And he never came back. I waited a few days, called his family. Nobody had seem him. Which was complete crap. They were lying for him so I couldn't track him down and get him for child support.
I got another job and kept working. My mom and cousin took turns watching my son. I ended up moving back in with my mom because I couldn't afford everything alone. I started pestering my ex husband about me getting Courtney on weekends. Didn't work. He finally relented to allowing me to take her for the day. Finally! So, I planned a big day with her and my son. Only to get called in to work that night. I went ahead and took my kids out to the lake and had a big day with them. It was great! My ex even seemed pretty civil with me. I thought things were definitely looking up. So, I went in to work that night. Everyone that had been called in got sent home at 9. I hadn't slept since getting off work the morning before because I wanted so bad to spend the day with my little girl. I was exhausted! By the time lunch rolled around, I was the only call in left at work and I was basically doing nothing. So, at lunch, I left and went home to bed. Of course when I went back to work the next night I was scheduled, I was told that I had forfeited my job when I left. So, I was unemployed.
I finally found another job just three weeks later. This job changed my life. It was a temporary job at a factory. I really didn't think it would mean that much to me, but it did. I was ready to grow up and do the best for my son and get my daughter back. I had just been existing for the year since my divorce. Since I had lost Courtney. It was time to get my life together. I wanted my daughter back. So, I went to work. I was focused. At this job, I met Tracy. My now husband. The first time I ever talked to him, I didn't exactly think anything about it. He was married. And newly married at that. I had to work over one night and was on break trying to find a ride home since it was raining. I usually walked or rode with someone, but who I rode with, wasn't working over. So, I wasn't having any luck. Tracy overheard me, apparently and later came up to my machine to offer to give me a ride home. He said his wife was with her family out of town and he usually just sat at the convenience store in town for a couple hours after work, so he'd already be out. I got his number and told him I'd call him if I couldn't find another ride. I wasn't able to find another ride, but lost his number. So, I was thinking I was going to have to walk home in the pouring rain. And when I walked out, there he was. Waiting on me. We talked a little bit on the short ride to my house, but not much. He was just really nice to me. Anyway, we became friends. His "wife", turns out, had left him. Just 6 weeks after they had married. She was pregnant when they married and things just weren't meant to be. Only they really hadn't figured that out.
Tracy and I hung out a lot before we ever got "involved". The weekends that he had his son, we would all go to the park and grill out in the evenings or go to my family's place at the lake. I even got my ex to let me take Courtney with us a few times. Things seemed to be looking up. Then one night after work, Tracy tells me that he's thinking about getting back together with his wife. I was beyond crushed. I had fallen for him. Hard. He'd even told me he thought he was falling for me. So, I was confused, upset, almost every emotion possible, I felt it. I tried moving on and getting over it. Two weeks passed and he came up to me at work and told me he'd made a mistake. He said he wanted to be with me and she had left for good...And so began the roller coaster of the next four years..
Things seemed to flip flop with Tracy. His feelings, I mean. I never knew for sure from one day to the next who he really wanted to be with. I found out I was pregnant about a month after his daughter was born. It was a difficult time for the both of us seeing as though Tracy hadn't wanted anymore kids and JD was only 2. And I was still only getting to see Courtney for a few hours at a time when he did let me see her. Courtney had just turned 4 and I didn't want her to think I was trying to replace her. It seemed like almost as soon as my ex found out I was having another baby, he found reason after reason to not let Courtney come over. He even went so far as to say he took her to a counselor and the counselor suggested that Courtney not be with me unsupervised. He even gave me a number to call and talk to the counselor. I called and left message after message, but no call was ever returned and I could never get through. Which leads me to the assumption that he was making it up or something. There was just something off about that whole situation. I never did figure it out. I got to see Courtney three times after he found out I was pregnant. Once at McDonald's and twice at the park in the town the lived in. He wouldn't let her come to my house. After I had Cameron, he brought Courtney over to see him. And all of a sudden, he started letting her come over regularly again. When I would bring up him letting Courtney maybe spend the night, he would get mad. I mean, I thought it was only fair that she be allowed to spend time with her other family, too. And he just made it seem like we weren't her family. Like I was just a family friend that was willing to watch her every now and then. So, I asked for mediation. But the divorce papers stated that if we had any issues we should go to the pastor of my ex's church. So we did. And this "pastor" talked to me like I was the scum of the earth. Very unprofessional. So that was that. I wasn't going through that again!
Eventually, he started letting her come back for a few hours at a time on certain weekends. I still don't get why he was the way he was about me seeing her. He won't tell me now, either, so I guess it's going to always be a mystery. I would love to bug him about it until he finally breaks, but he would't break. He'd completely cut me out of her life before that happened. I have to take what I can get.
So, the next summer, I got laid off from work. That's right at the time the economy started to tank. I was getting Courtney some, but not as much as I wanted. I had the time to spend with her because I wasn't working, but he wasn't cooperating. Like always, he always had Courtney going somewhere with his parents or sisters or had her involved in something that I couldn't go to because his parents or other family didn't want me around. I was lost. I mean, I'd gone years alienated from my wonderful, smart, beautiful little girl! Like a part of me was just gone. And that's how it still feels after five years. Like a part of me is gone.
Yes, I've had some ups and some downs that didn't have anything to do with Courtney not living with me. But mainly, this part is the most important. I love my husband and my two boys, but I just don't feel complete. I hope one day things get better and I can get to know my daughter the way we both deserve, but until then.. I'll just keep on with how things are.
Six years ago, I was in a relationship with my daughter's father. I met him when I was 17 and a senior in high school. Things weren't great, but I cared about him. I wouldn't say I was deeply in love, but I did care. We had a lot of problems. Between me being me and his family being who they were, we just clashed. I grew unhappy and instead of doing the smart thing and separating amicably, I stayed. When you stay in an unhappy relationship and you can't communicate with the other person in that relationship, it leads to disaster. I ended up meeting someone at work. He wasn't incredibly good looking or smart or... well, the kind of person I should have had anything to do with at all. He just said all the things I needed to hear. He made me feel like I mattered. Of course, it was all lies, but at the time, it worked.
My daughter's father found out I was pregnant and immediately wanted to marry me. I was confused and had no idea what to do, so I went along with it.
As soon as the baby was born, I think we all knew my husband wasn't his father. We were all just so in shock. Of course I knew about the possibility, but I had shoved it into the back of my mind so far, it honestly surprised me that my son looked nothing like my husband. I started to rationalize why he didn't look like him. I blamed my father's coloring, ancestry, anything that would remotely make sense. A friend of my mother's brought it up and I couldn't figure out why everyone was being so mean! So, yeah, denial was pretty bad there. After 7 months, the charade was over. The shock had worn off my husband and his family and I was an awful person. Automatically. Of course. I had lied for so long. I had lied to everyone including myself. When he told me he had the paternity test done and he wasn't my son's father, it was a harsh return to reality. I had been pretending for so long, that it was devastating to see the truth. I couldn't see how bad I had hurt everyone else because I was hurt too. I didn't want to see how bad everyone else was hurt. I was thinking about me. And my daughter. Her father told me he was filing for full custody. And I would have to settle for seeing her when it was convenient for him. I was 21 almost 22 at the time. I didn't know what to do! I had no job because we agreed that it wasn't worth paying my whole check to childcare. No car. It had been hit by some idiot that ran a stop sign and our insurance had expired the day before. The idiot that hit me (of course) didn't have insurance either. And worst of all, the only place I had to go was my mom's. I love my mother. But she's got her own issues. And a drunk for a husband. I had everything against me. I felt so helpless.
I couldn't figure out why he was taking my daughter from me. I had tried my best to be a good mother. Of course I wasn't perfect, but I did my best. I can now see why, though. If I had deluded myself to believe that my biracial son was my whiter than white husband's child, I couldn't have raised both children with no issues. Of course, today, he might say something different about it all, but we don't discuss any of this. He and I never could communicate and that still hasn't changed. It's unresolved. The last time we talked, all I could get out of him was that she's all he has.. So, after him keeping her from me for numerous stupid reasons time and time again, and me getting my heart broken from not being allowed to be a mother to my daughter, I kind of started to accept not being allowed into her life. There was no solid visitation set in our divorce.. pretty much that he dictates when I can see her. I had no luck finding a lawyer and I was making 6 dollars an hour when we went to court so supporting myself and my 10 month old son, I had no money for a lawyer anyway. And my family isn't the kind to help out. So, on it went. I tracked down my son's biological father. I was hoping he would be there for my son and maybe help out some financially. I got an apartment and let him move in with the agreement that I would help him get a job and he would help me out. That didn't last but maybe a month. He apparently isn't the daddy type. He wasn't good with our son, yelled at him for everything, and in that month, he gave me 10 dollars for diapers. I worked 6 pm to 6 am and when I got off work one morning, I came home to sleep. I woke up at noon to my son crying, walking around the house. And we were alone. My son's father had left. Without a note, left most of his clothes. And he never came back. I waited a few days, called his family. Nobody had seem him. Which was complete crap. They were lying for him so I couldn't track him down and get him for child support.
I got another job and kept working. My mom and cousin took turns watching my son. I ended up moving back in with my mom because I couldn't afford everything alone. I started pestering my ex husband about me getting Courtney on weekends. Didn't work. He finally relented to allowing me to take her for the day. Finally! So, I planned a big day with her and my son. Only to get called in to work that night. I went ahead and took my kids out to the lake and had a big day with them. It was great! My ex even seemed pretty civil with me. I thought things were definitely looking up. So, I went in to work that night. Everyone that had been called in got sent home at 9. I hadn't slept since getting off work the morning before because I wanted so bad to spend the day with my little girl. I was exhausted! By the time lunch rolled around, I was the only call in left at work and I was basically doing nothing. So, at lunch, I left and went home to bed. Of course when I went back to work the next night I was scheduled, I was told that I had forfeited my job when I left. So, I was unemployed.
I finally found another job just three weeks later. This job changed my life. It was a temporary job at a factory. I really didn't think it would mean that much to me, but it did. I was ready to grow up and do the best for my son and get my daughter back. I had just been existing for the year since my divorce. Since I had lost Courtney. It was time to get my life together. I wanted my daughter back. So, I went to work. I was focused. At this job, I met Tracy. My now husband. The first time I ever talked to him, I didn't exactly think anything about it. He was married. And newly married at that. I had to work over one night and was on break trying to find a ride home since it was raining. I usually walked or rode with someone, but who I rode with, wasn't working over. So, I wasn't having any luck. Tracy overheard me, apparently and later came up to my machine to offer to give me a ride home. He said his wife was with her family out of town and he usually just sat at the convenience store in town for a couple hours after work, so he'd already be out. I got his number and told him I'd call him if I couldn't find another ride. I wasn't able to find another ride, but lost his number. So, I was thinking I was going to have to walk home in the pouring rain. And when I walked out, there he was. Waiting on me. We talked a little bit on the short ride to my house, but not much. He was just really nice to me. Anyway, we became friends. His "wife", turns out, had left him. Just 6 weeks after they had married. She was pregnant when they married and things just weren't meant to be. Only they really hadn't figured that out.
Tracy and I hung out a lot before we ever got "involved". The weekends that he had his son, we would all go to the park and grill out in the evenings or go to my family's place at the lake. I even got my ex to let me take Courtney with us a few times. Things seemed to be looking up. Then one night after work, Tracy tells me that he's thinking about getting back together with his wife. I was beyond crushed. I had fallen for him. Hard. He'd even told me he thought he was falling for me. So, I was confused, upset, almost every emotion possible, I felt it. I tried moving on and getting over it. Two weeks passed and he came up to me at work and told me he'd made a mistake. He said he wanted to be with me and she had left for good...And so began the roller coaster of the next four years..
Things seemed to flip flop with Tracy. His feelings, I mean. I never knew for sure from one day to the next who he really wanted to be with. I found out I was pregnant about a month after his daughter was born. It was a difficult time for the both of us seeing as though Tracy hadn't wanted anymore kids and JD was only 2. And I was still only getting to see Courtney for a few hours at a time when he did let me see her. Courtney had just turned 4 and I didn't want her to think I was trying to replace her. It seemed like almost as soon as my ex found out I was having another baby, he found reason after reason to not let Courtney come over. He even went so far as to say he took her to a counselor and the counselor suggested that Courtney not be with me unsupervised. He even gave me a number to call and talk to the counselor. I called and left message after message, but no call was ever returned and I could never get through. Which leads me to the assumption that he was making it up or something. There was just something off about that whole situation. I never did figure it out. I got to see Courtney three times after he found out I was pregnant. Once at McDonald's and twice at the park in the town the lived in. He wouldn't let her come to my house. After I had Cameron, he brought Courtney over to see him. And all of a sudden, he started letting her come over regularly again. When I would bring up him letting Courtney maybe spend the night, he would get mad. I mean, I thought it was only fair that she be allowed to spend time with her other family, too. And he just made it seem like we weren't her family. Like I was just a family friend that was willing to watch her every now and then. So, I asked for mediation. But the divorce papers stated that if we had any issues we should go to the pastor of my ex's church. So we did. And this "pastor" talked to me like I was the scum of the earth. Very unprofessional. So that was that. I wasn't going through that again!
Eventually, he started letting her come back for a few hours at a time on certain weekends. I still don't get why he was the way he was about me seeing her. He won't tell me now, either, so I guess it's going to always be a mystery. I would love to bug him about it until he finally breaks, but he would't break. He'd completely cut me out of her life before that happened. I have to take what I can get.
So, the next summer, I got laid off from work. That's right at the time the economy started to tank. I was getting Courtney some, but not as much as I wanted. I had the time to spend with her because I wasn't working, but he wasn't cooperating. Like always, he always had Courtney going somewhere with his parents or sisters or had her involved in something that I couldn't go to because his parents or other family didn't want me around. I was lost. I mean, I'd gone years alienated from my wonderful, smart, beautiful little girl! Like a part of me was just gone. And that's how it still feels after five years. Like a part of me is gone.
Yes, I've had some ups and some downs that didn't have anything to do with Courtney not living with me. But mainly, this part is the most important. I love my husband and my two boys, but I just don't feel complete. I hope one day things get better and I can get to know my daughter the way we both deserve, but until then.. I'll just keep on with how things are.
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