Saturday Morning

So JD and I are sitting downstairs watching Thomas the Train. Cameron's upstairs watching playhouse disney. I should probably make him come down here with us, but he's been in an ill mood since last night. Just whiny and all around irritable. So, I'm giving him wake up time. I don't think he's getting sick, but you never know with three year olds..
I think I finally got out of my funky mood from yesterday. I did enough crying for a month, I believe. Tracy says I always look at the glass half empty. Maybe I do. I do appreciate what we have, but I just feel like I'm not good enough. Not good enough as a wife and a mom. I feel like I never can catch up on the housework and there's always a mountain of laundry!! That overwhelming feeling catches up to me sometimes and paralyzes  me. Yesterday and the day before were those kinds of days. I think I'm going to be okay today, though. I go in to work at 5 and work til close, so maybe all will be good today. Maybe. 
    Tracy works today. He'll be working Saturdays for a while. We went out to eat last night at a local mexican restaurant. And he brought up going to TN to visit on Sunday. If I don't have to work. They are really bad about getting the schedule out at work on time, so I never know until Saturday what my schedule is for the next week. I want to go to TN,  but I don't want to just see Tracy's kids. I want to see Courtney. And, we'd only be taking Tracy's car so there wouldn't be room for her.. And it would be two hours out of our way. Plus, her dad isn't keen on the idea of me seeing her on Sundays. The whole church thing. It wouldn't bother me so much if I knew she wasn't going to that church. The church full of the hypocrites and stuck up people. And the pastor that misuses his "clout". I just hope my brilliant daughter doesn't get stunted by their narrow mindedness. 
So, I'm a little upset about the TN thing. Tracy has said to me before that it isn't his responsibility to make sure I get to see Courtney. I understand that to an extent.. But I have maybe two dollars in my bank account until Friday. What bills I pay plus groceries and neccessities, take all of my money. There's no way I can fund a trip to TN to see her. So, of course, I depend on him. He should know how much this means to me. But yet, it seems that he's only concerned with seeing his two kids. He'll be all sympathetic sounding when I tell him how I wish I could go see her, but he's not going to do anything about it. It's just one of those situations where I'm just screwed. I could save change and all that, but honestly, things get really tight sometimes and I'll have to cash in my change at the coinstar and buy food or put gas in the van. So that fund goes down the drain. I am whining. I know this. But it's like my therapy. 
There's a Christmas parade in town this morning and I think I'm going to get the boys ready and go check it out. They deserve to get to do that. I'm content to sit here at home and be lazy til time to go to work, but that's not good for them. And they matter more to me than I do :)